Tag Archives: gas

Faux Report

HIV Needles Are Being Placed on Gas Pump Handles – Over 40 People Already Infected

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JACKSONVILLE, Florida – 

Captain Abraham Sands of the Jacksonville, Florida Police Department released a statement cautioning people about a new, dangerous event that has been happening throughout the state.

“I have been asked by state and local authorities to write this email in order to get the word out to car drivers of a very dangerous prank that is occurring in numerous states,” said Sands. “Some person or persons have been affixing hypodermic needles to the underside of gas pump handles. These needles appear to be infected with HIV positive blood. In the Jacksonville area alone there have been 17 cases of people being stuck by these needles over the past five months. We have verified reports of at least 12 others in various states around the country.”

It is believed that these may be copycat incidents, as this crime has happened in the past, and was a popular “prank” in the early 1990s. At this point no one has been arrested, and police say catching the perpetrator or perpetrators has become a top priority.

“Shockingly, of the 17 people who where stuck, eight have tested HIV positive and because of the nature of the disease, the others could test positive in a couple years, according to physicians,” said Sands. “If you do find a needle affixed to one, immediately contact your local police department so they can collect the evidence. It is IMPERATIVE that you check the handle of the pump before you grab it. It could save your life.”

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Faux Report

Oil Spill Tax Imposed By Government To Increase Gas Prices By Over 1000%

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Congress will be voting on new oil tax to help fund clean up costs, after the recent spill into the Gulf of Mexico.

Almost 90,000 gallons of crude oil gushed from a Shell oil facility into the Gulf of Mexico off the Louisiana coast on Thursday, leaving a 13- by 2-mile sheen of oil on the waves. Countless oil-choked fish and Cuban refugees are washing up on the shore.

Louisiana Senator Bill Cassidy is sponsoring the bill, saying oil spills are bound to happen and everyone must chip in.

“It’s just the nature of doing business. The Gulf will be ruined within the next few years unless the clean-ups are subsidized. We can not expect pipelines and drilling equipment to be failproof. Leaks are bound to happen.”

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Faux Report

HIV-Laced Needles Found On Gas Pump Handles In New Jersey

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CARLSON, New Jersey – 

Police have said that they have found several HIV-laced needles on gas pump handles throughout the city of Carlson in northern New Jersey, and that they are asking for everyone to be ‘extra cautious’ when at the pumps.

“We received an initial report of a needle found taped to the underside of a gas pump handle a few weeks ago, and since then, several other instances have occurred,” said police chief Joe Glass. “We are advising anyone who pumps their own gas in the state of New Jersey to be extremely cautious of any sharp objects taped or glued to the pump handle.”

Chief Glass says that they have had the needles found tested for HIV and other STDs, and they have come back positive.

“HIV and AIDs cannot live outside the body for very long, so the people who have been pricked are lucky, and their tests have been negative, but the needles themselves are exposed,” said Chief Glass. “Please, do not pump your own gas if you can help it, and if you do, wear gloves or other protective hand gear.”

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Faux Report

Drinking Gasoline May Help To ‘Cleanse’ Your Intestines, Keep You Regular

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Bill Myers, 42, says his morning routine hasn’t changed in nearly a decade – he gets up, drinks a glass of straight gasoline, enjoys a glass of milk, then immediately has explosive diarrhea.

“It’s the gasoline that does it for me,” said Myers, explaining his regimen. “You see, I was stuffed up, if you will, for a really long time. I mean, I didn’t go to the bathroom more than once or twice a month. It was horrible. Doctors were just about to cut me open with the amount of stool I had built up inside. But then, something crazy happened, and it changed my life.”

The “something crazy” that Myers is referring to is a car accident that he was in on Christmas eve 2006.

“I was coming home from work, and I hit a patch of black ice,” said Myers. “The car flipped over a few times, and the gas line was punctured. I was lucky to be alive, but at the same time, I also swallowed a lot of the gasoline as it got all over my body and my face. In less than a minute, I was shitting myself. When the paramedics arrived, I was too excited to even be embarrassed.”

Myers says that he now enjoys a full glass of gasoline every day when he gets up, another after lunch, and one right before dinner.

“Doctors tell me that I’m pretty much going to die any time now because of my habits, but I don’t care,” said Myers. “Once you start shitting on the regular, you do whatever you can to keep it going!”

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