Tag Archives: food stamps

Faux Report

Charlotte Mayor Says That Rioters, Looters Will Lose All Welfare and Food Stamp Benefits For Life

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – 

According to reports from The Baltimore Gazette, anyone in Charlotte caught taking part in riots or looting will automatically lose their food stamp and welfare benefits for life.

“This is the only way that we can think to get people to calm down, take a breath, and stop stealing TVs,” said Charlotte Mayor George Higgins. “It’s only black people out there stealing, and it’s only black people that get welfare – well, you know, at least for the most part.”

Higgins went on to say that there have been several arrests made so far, all based around rioting and looting, and of the 20 or so people who have been taken in, 18 of them were on some form of welfare.

“Of course, the other 2 people who were arrested were not black,” said Higgins. “It’s astounding that the figures just work out so well.”

From The Baltimore Gazette:

According to multiple reports, city officials have announced new measures in an effort to curb the violence sweeping Charlotte since the shooting of Keith Lamont Scott. Any individuals caught rioting, looting, destroying property or otherwise reacting in a violent and unlawful manner will have their government benefits permanently revoked…

The announcement was made shortly after hundreds of national guardsmen and law enforcement officers took to the streets intent on restoring calm to the city. Whether or not the recent announcement had any impact on the chaos remains to be seen as the riots grind on into their tecond night. A curfew will be imposed and it is expected that citizens adhere to it or face steep consequences.

 

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Faux Report

U.S. Government Says You Can Buy Alcohol, Cigarettes With Food Stamps Starting 2017

alcohol

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Faced with lingering debts due to a still struggling economy, President Barack Obama issued an executive order today allowing the purchase of alcohol and cigarettes with food stamps.

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) offers nutrition assistance to eligible individuals who face financial or other hardships when trying to adequately feed themselves and their dependents.

The US Department of Agriculture, which oversees the program, has a strict policy on which items can and cannot be purchased with food stamps.  Alcohol and cigarettes are not categorized as “essential nutrition,” and were never allowed on the “Food Stamp Safety List” – until now.

“We’re faced with tough times. American families are still struggling, although the economy is slowly recovering,” said President Obama. “The boost in sales generated by alcohol and cigarette sales will help aid in the recovery efforts, and generate much-needed revenue.”

For years, the President has struggled with a much publicized nicotine addiction, and this executive decision is bound to raise the hackles of nutrition experts, not to mention closer to home, where the First Lady, Michelle Obama, has advocated healthy eating habits and exercise.  When asked if that may create tension within the White House, the President replied “I hope not.”

Other items disallowed on the food stamp list include vitamins, medicine, hot food or food eaten in a store, live animals, and cosmetics.

Major tobacco manufacturers and alcohol distributors have been slow to overly praise the decision, seen as controversial from both sides of the political aisle.  Members of the GOP have also remained strangely silent in their usual criticism of the President’s every action, owing to the fact that many members of Congress are on vacation and receive large subsidies from the alcohol and tobacco industries.

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Faux Report

Stores To Begin Requiring Fingerprint Scans Along With EBT Cards To Avoid Fraud

fingerprint

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to new regulations that will soon take effect, most stores throughout the country will begin taking fingerprint scans of welfare recipients who are buying groceries. This change is being made in all 50 states in hopes that the government can push back against welfare fraud.

“There are many scams that welfare recipients currently utilize to turn their government dollars into actual cash, which they then use to buy alcohol, junk food, and drugs,” said White House representative Mark Raymond. “A new one we recently discovered is that people are buying bottled items in bulk, such as cases of water, and then dumping the water, and redeeming the bottles for the cash. Those people are idiots. Still, though, the most common is to simply pass their card off to someone else, and allow them to shop for groceries in exchange for cash.”

It’s this latter issue that the government is most concerned about, because they say that only certain poor people should be able to eat on their dime, and not all poor people.

“It comes down to drugs. That’s what these miscreants are buying with their traded cash, and we don’t need more drug addicts on welfare,” said Raymond. “These new regulations will require that fingerprint scans be run, and they must match the identity of the person whose name is on the card. This will hopefully stop the fraudulent activities occurring.”

“Man, this shit won’t stop me. I need my 40s, and I need a bump every now and then, and the way I get it each month is by selling my stamps, fifty-cent on the dollar, and then my buddy uses my card to get his groceries for his family. Shit, I ain’t even got a family. He needs it more than me,” said Freddy Carson of New York. “So this be more of a pain in my ass, but now I’m just gonna have my buddy give me a list, and I’ll go shopping for him, then give him the stuff, and he’ll give me the cash. More time out my day, so I’m gonna have to go up to seventy-five cent on the dollar, but his family gonna still get their food, and I’m still gonna be able to smoke crack. Take that, Obama!”

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Faux Report

Trump’s Plan To Secure Funds For Mexican Wall? Discontinue Food Stamp Program

Government Food Stamp Program To Be Discontinued Effective 2015

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has been asked multiple times in the course of running for president how he plans on building a wall around Mexico to keep immigrants out of the United States. Normally, he says that he’ll “Make the Mexicans pay for it,” but in keeping with his long list of horrendous ideas, today he announced his official plan for making sure that we have secure borders.

“The only way that we can pay for something that will give us the safety and security we need, as well as keep jobs in this country, is by cutting spending somewhere else,” said Trump. “The biggest cuts we need to make are on the freeloaders and the scum in this country, so cut number one will be to the food stamp program. No more free handouts.”

According to Trump, he doesn’t just plan to make budget cuts to the program if elected, he plans to discontinue it all together.

“There’s no reason that people need these handouts from the government, and when I’m elected, they won’t be getting them anymore,” said Trump. “We need this money for other things. Better things. Bigger things. Solid walls need solid cash to be built. Instead of handouts, we get these people a job building the wall, and pay them for their time. No more handouts necessary.”

Trump is currently leading the Republican race, a highly disturbing fact that any conscious, thinking person should be terrified to hear.

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