Tag Archives: cats

Faux Report

Cats Are Superior To Dogs In Every Way, New Study Conducted By Cat Scientists Confirms

BOSTON, Mowsachusetts –

A group of cat scientists in Boston say that they have come to the scientific conclusion that cats are better than dogs in “every conceivable way,” and that their research is to be published in the Feline Journal of Medicine in the October issue.

“See, when it comes to pets, people generally only have two choices,” said Dr. Mow Furball, a cat scientist at UCLA who lead the team in Boston. “They get a dog, or they get a cat. Yes, you can get birds or other animals as pets, but birds are bullshit, and you damn well know it. So the choice is clearly dog or cat.”

Dr. Furball says that although many people own dogs because they think they’re a better animal, the real answer has always been cat.

“You cannot possibly think a dog is better than a cat after you see our research,” said Dr. Fluffy McCaterstein. “Dogs need to be walked. You have to take them out every few hours on their own. You can’t leave them home for more than a day by themselves or they’ll eat the couch. Frankly, dogs are stupid. Cats on the other hand, are now scientifically proven to be better pets.”

The research conducted by the team is currently “classified,” but notes will be available in the journal’s release.

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Faux Report

Extensive 10-Year Study Shows That People Who Own Cats are Cat Owners

cats

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

An extensive study performed by a research team at Boston’s prestigious Harvard University have concluded that people who are in possession of a cat are, in fact, cat owners.

“For years, people have been asking the question, ‘I have a cat – am I a cat owner?’, and we finally have an answer for them,” said lead researcher, Dr. Cris Craven. “The answer is, without a doubt, yes.”

Many people who own a cat were fearful that they may, in fact, be dog owners, which most said would worry them greatly.

“It would be horrible to be a dog owner,” said cat owner Rae Jean Robinson. “My cats would definitely not like it if I was a dog owner. I mean, I’ve never had a dog around, because I can’t stand dogs, so I was pretty sure I wasn’t a dog owner. But this actually confirms that I am, in fact, a cat owner, so I’m stoked.”

Researchers are still working to determine whether people who are in possession of a horse are, in fact, horse owners.

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Faux Report

‘Little Old Lady’ Accused of Making Fur Coats With Neighbors’ Pets She Murdered

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From World News Daily Report:

An 85-year old Texas woman has been arrested by local law enforcement after being caught on film kidnapping one of her neighbor’s cats with which she is accused of making fur coats.

The recent disappearance of domestic animals in the neighborhood started to arise suspicion from local residents when some people started to notice the old lady’s particular fur coats, some even recognizing their cats in the coat’s furs, a fact the lady vehemently denied before being caught on videotape by a private detective hired by local residents to follow the suspicious lady.

It is believed the old lady started at first to raise her own cats but finally decided to…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Faux Report

State Agencies Begin Arresting People On Animal Cruelty Charges For Making Cucumber Cat-Scaring Videos

cats

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Cats have long been the internet’s most famous animal. Whether you love or hate cats, there is a meme, a video, a picture, or a song online about cats. Over the last several months, one of the most trendy videos to make is one where you scare your cat with a cucumber. As crazy as it sounds, people love filming their felines becoming terrified as they discover the oblong shape when it is placed near them without being noticed.

PETA and the ASCPA have lobbied several states to begin tracking down and arresting people who torture their pets in this way on animal cruelty charges, as it is extremely harmful to the cat.

“When a cat is eating, he is in his safe zone. He needs to feel like that area is free from predators and harm,” said ASPCA member John Lewis. “When your cat is eating and you place a cucumber – or anything, really – behind him, and he turns around, he instantly becomes scared because he assumes it is a snake or other predator that is there to harm him. In turn, this makes cats stop eating or drinking, fearing for their safety by not returning to their food area.”

The long-term effect this has on felines have not been tested, but PETA and ASPCA say that the gag is enough to warrant arrest based on animal cruelty, and several state governments have agreed.

“Georgia, Louisiana, New Hampshire, Vermont, California, and Nebraska are just a few of the states that we have convinced to track down and arrest these animal abusers,” said Lewis. “We are all working closely with Google, as most of these people who have accounts are making money on their cat videos with Google’s AdSense service – which requires them to give a real name and address. We believe we can successfully stop people from creating these harmful videos, and show love and care to their furry feline friends.”

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Faux Report

Woman Pushes Wife Down Stairs, Blames It On Cat; Later Arrested For Strangling Cat To Death

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DELUTH, Mississippi –

Evie Pipkin has been charged with animal cruelty and first degree murder after she allegedly threw her wife, Michelle Chen, down the stairs of their home and told police she had tripped over the cat. Days after the murder, Pipkin strangled the cat and posted a picture on Facebook saying; “It had to be done. Feeling: sad.”

Friend of the couple Laura Shealy says, “She made a big show out of strangling the cat, like the cat had intentionally tripped Michelle. What kind of person could even think of doing that? What kind of person thinks that’s the right thing to do? That’s when we knew she had killed Michelle. Deep in my heart I always knew, but that right there, that’s case closed in my book.”

Police picked Pipkin up on charges of animal cruelty, and questioned her further about the death of her wife. Pipkin denies harming Chen. “We just got married in October after the law was passed. We were still in the honeymoon phase. I know now I should just have brought Shadow to the Humane Society, but I was just so angry. I couldn’t think clearly in my grief.”

Police say they are holding Chen on the animal cruelty charges, but she will remain a prime suspect in the death of Pipkin, which they have yet to rule an accident.

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