Tag Archives: Brazil

Faux Report

Olympic Swimmer Contracts Deadly Malaria Virus While Practicing For Events In Rio

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RIO, Brazil – 

A U.S. Olympic swimmer, Mick Jones, has reportedly contracted malaria while practicing for his events in Rio, swimming in public, open water.

“It is with great sadness that we report that Mr. Jones will not be able to compete at this year’s olympic games,” said chairman Richard Downs. “He is a champion competitor, and we wish him all the best in his recovery.”

The Olympic Committee was warned of hosting the games in Rio, which is rife with crime and has some of the most polluted waters in the world.

“We wanted to host it somewhere new and exciting, and even though their environment, their economy, and their people cannot handle the influx, we decided to go on with the ceremony anyway,” said Downs. “I believe that this event is isolated, and we will do whatever we can to make sure that the athletes are safe.

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Faux Report

Could Denying Russians From Olympic Games Start Another War?

rio

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil – 

Analysts fear tensions with the Russians could lead to another war if the Russians are banned from participating in the Olympic games. The Russian sports minister says “up to 67 athletes” have applied to track and field’s world governing body to be exempted from the ban on the Russian team at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics

The IAAF is unlikely to approve most of the 67 athletes, since it has previously indicated the exemption is aimed at a small minority of athletes based abroad.

When a global governing body for sports barred Russia’s track and field team from the 2016 Summer Olympics on Friday over a wide-ranging doping scandal, it was greeted in Russia, as is with a deep sense of victimhood.

President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia called the decision “unjust, of course.”

Mr. Putin said, “Russia is strengthening antidoping controls and athletes should bear personal responsibility for using performance-enhancing drugs.” Punishing the whole team, he said, “doesn’t fit any norms of civilized behavior.”

Outside Russia, sporting officials viewed the unanimous decision as a long overdue restoration of some fairness in competitions. After all, in some sporting events Russian athletes had been trouncing competitors for years before it turned out they were using performance-enhancing drugs.

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Faux Report

Could Denying Russians From Olympic Games Start Another War?

rio

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil – 

Analysts fear tensions with the Russians could lead to another war if the Russians are banned from participating in the Olympic games. The Russian sports minister says “up to 67 athletes” have applied to track and field’s world governing body to be exempted from the ban on the Russian team at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics

The IAAF is unlikely to approve most of the 67 athletes, since it has previously indicated the exemption is aimed at a small minority of athletes based abroad.

When a global governing body for sports barred Russia’s track and field team from the 2016 Summer Olympics on Friday over a wide-ranging doping scandal, it was greeted in Russia, as is with a deep sense of victimhood.

President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia called the decision “unjust, of course.”

Mr. Putin said, “Russia is strengthening antidoping controls and athletes should bear personal responsibility for using performance-enhancing drugs.” Punishing the whole team, he said, “doesn’t fit any norms of civilized behavior.”

Outside Russia, sporting officials viewed the unanimous decision as a long overdue restoration of some fairness in competitions. After all, in some sporting events Russian athletes had been trouncing competitors for years before it turned out they were using performance-enhancing drugs.

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Faux Report

Bananas Imported From Brazil Found To Contain Spiders [VIDEO]

spiderbanana

CARSON CITY, Kansas – 

A man recently uploaded a video to YouTube showing a banana that he purchased as his local grocery store, and it’s definitely not a sight for fruit lovers. In the video, the banana bursts open, and a spider is seen leaping out from under the peel.

“It was definitely disturbing, and I’m glad that I didn’t open it and eat it, and that I saw something moving under the peel first,” said Miles Rogers, who filmed the video. “It was disgusting. I just wanted to eat a banana. I ate an apple instead. I could stomach a worm, maybe, but not a spider.”

According to recent reports, spiders have been making their way to the US from Brazil via bags of bananas. Several shoppers throughout the country have reported finding both live and dead spiders inside pre-packaged bags of bananas. Grocery stores are working hard to check fruits, but not every bag is always checked.

“If I were you, I’d buy my bananas fresh, local if it’s even possible, and definitely not in a bag,” said Rogers. “I will probably never eat a banana again. Between spiders and AIDS blood, there’s nothing that makes me want to risk it anymore.”

 

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