Faux Report

Beyoncé and Jay-Z Announce Birth of Sextuplets

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Singer Beyoncé and her husband, entertainment mogul Jay-Z, officially announced the birth of their children yesterday, surprising the world by releasing a photo of sextuplets.

“We are extremely happy to welcome to the family our SIX NEW BABIES!” said Beyoncé in an instagram post, accompanied by a picture of the little ones, which she said are all happy and healthy. “We are so #blessed.”

The names of the children have not been released, but Jay-Z said in a social media post that all the babies and mom are “doing great.”

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Faux Report

Woman Gives Birth 7 Years After Having Sex

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A modern medical marvel has occurred in Massachusetts this week, after a woman gave birth to a healthy, 7lb 4oz baby boy. The marvel, you ask? The woman, 28-year-old Maria Piers, has not had sex in 7 years.

“I know this sounds extremely strange, but I know the precise moment that I last had sex, and that’s because it was, for all intents and purposes, a rape,” said Piers.

According to police reports from the time, Piers filed charges against a man named Robert Smalls, who she says would not stop having sex with her after she told him to stop.

“I did tell him it was okay, but I didn’t like it. He wasn’t gentle, and it hurt. I told him to stop and get off me, but he just laughed, and staid he wasn’t going to stop until he was done,” said Piers. “And he didn’t.”

Smalls was arrested and given 4 years for aggravated sexual assault, but Piers is terrified that now she’s going to have to deal with him again.

“He’s obviously the dad,” said Piers. “I don’t know how this happened, I really don’t. But I’m absolutely sure that I haven’t had sex. I haven’t even kissed a man since that night. This is both exciting and extremely terrifying for me.”

Doctors say they are at a loss for how this happened, but they could confirm that the baby, who Piers has named James, had a gestation period of about 360 weeks. She has been asked to stay in the hospital for continued testing and observation.

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Faux Report

Hood Rat Gives Birth To Full-Grown, Adult Gangbanger

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COMPTON, California – 

La’La Brown, 20, shocked doctors last week when she gave birth to a full-grown man. Brown’s son, Ja’ma-al, was born at 63″ and weighed 192 pounds. He came out with a full head of hair, a do-rag, and a pistol.

“Giving birth to a full-grown man was hard enough, but to learn that he came out flying different colors, that’s going to be the hardest thing to deal with,” said Brown, who is part of the 3rd Street Mafia, a local gang. Her son is apparently already an active member in the Kobras, a rival gang. “I honestly don’t know whether I should love him, or shoot him.”

Doctors say that Brown had, for some reason, had a gestational period that was about 4 times as long as a normal woman, and that her baby grew about 15 times the normal size.

“I’ve never seen anything like it, to be honest,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Compton Central Hospital. “It’s really and truly a first for the medical community.”

“Look, most important thing is that I still get my food stamps and the welfare check for this baby,” said Brown. “It don’t matter none that he’s a man. He still just came out my hoo-ha and I get another 18 years before this baby stops earning me a check.”

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Faux Report

Woman Gives Birth To Puppies After Admitting To Sex With Family Dog

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PROVO, Utah – 

Samantha Kedder, 24, has reportedly given birth to a litter of German Shepherd puppies after being hospitalized with severe stomach pains. Doctors were surprised to see Kedder go into labor, as she didn’t know she was pregnant.

“It was even more of a shock when three tiny puppies came out instead of a baby,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Provo Medical Center. “To be honest, we didn’t know this was possible. It’s both a marvel of modern medicine and extremely disturbing at the same time.”

Kedder admits that while she was recently living at home, she would often have sex with the family dog, Jonsey, because she couldn’t find a date.

“I didn’t know anyone in town. My parents moved to a new place, I lost my job, and had to move back home,” said Kedder. “I didn’t have time to meet any new guys while I was applying for jobs, so I would sometimes have sex with Jonsey. I don’t think it was wrong. He’s a big dog, and he wasn’t hurt by it. In fact, he really seemed to like it. I know I did.”

According to Dr. Brown, Kedder’s birth is the first on record for an inter-species relationship.

“This opens up a lot of doors in science and medicine that we thought were closed,” said Dr. Brown. “The fact that her eggs were able to be implanted by canine sperm, it’s just, well it’s just amazing. Still really, really gross, but definitely amazing.”

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Prophecy

Bob Jones: Preview of the 2014 Shepherd’s Rod

Preview of the 2014 Shepherd’s Rod
Each year on the Day of Atonement we set our self aside to receive revelation from the Lord for the body of Christ for the upcoming year and the years to follow. Some of the things the Lord highlighted this year are: the Father’s love, resurrection power, the international banker, warnings to the church about immorality and paralyzing fear. We want to share with you one message we feel is vital to the church this year as we get ready to move into a season of the baptism of fire.
Baptism of Fire
By Bob Jones

Second Birthing
Bob was handed a huge white egg and as it was placed in his hand it began to hatch open.  As he drew closer to examine the egg, he saw that it had fire inside and it was like a birthing of fire.
This egg represents a new birthing and new life because it represents the second birthing of the baptism of fire. This baptism will be far greater than Pentecost and more powerful than Azusa Street of recent times. I believe we’re all getting ready to be birthed a second time in fire. This was the timing and we will see the fire of God this year. (Hebrews 6:5)
John answered, saying to all, “I indeed baptize you with water; but One mightier than I is coming, whose sandal strap I am not worthy to loose. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. (Luke 3:16)
It’s the same kind of fire as the burning bush that was not consumed. I believe that now is a time of commissioning like when Moses received his instructions. When this egg opens, the wisdom that will be given is that of the Father’s will because it will reveal the Father’s heart to us. Then our only testing will be obedience to that which the Father puts in our conscience.
This baptism of fire means that plagues and viruses cannot cling to it. No demonic control can survive around it and the enemy cannot trouble you. The baptism of fire will bring in holiness and holiness is one of the main words this year. God is a holy God and when we are consumed by this baptism of fire, anything unholy that comes into our presence will not be able to stand. The power of this consuming fire will cause demons to flee and sickness, disease, infirmities and plagues to die instantly. There will be no question that the power of God is resident in His people.
Highway of Holiness
I saw that we had been working on a roadway and were just near finishing it. The road was made so you could drive up the mountain. I felt this was the highway of holiness of Isaiah 35 and I think this year there’s going to be more emphasis on holiness than ever before. We are called to make the highway of holiness presentable so people can drive on it. If you walked on this road it would take quite a while. But I feel the Lord wants it to be made possible for you to get there quicker.
A highway shall be there, and a road,? And it shall be called the Highway of Holiness.? The unclean shall not pass over it,? But it shall be for others.? Whoever walks the road, although a fool,? Shall not go astray. No lion shall be there,? Nor shall any ravenous beast go up on it;?It shall not be found there.? But the redeemed shall walk there, And the ransomed of the Lord shall return,? And come to Zion with singing,? With everlasting joy on their heads.? They shall obtain joy and gladness,? And sorrow and sighing shall flee away.(Isaiah 35:8-10)
We were nearly finished working on it so people could drive right up on top of the mountain and park. This is a year of holiness and there will be a quietness that the body needs. At different times they will come to the mountain top just think on the Lord and rest in His holiness. 
Conditions for Holiness
The project we were finishing at the very top of the mountain was the highest way in God. We had worked on this mountain road so we could navigate it by auto. And that auto means being really impressed with the Lord. The conditions for getting on the highway of holiness are in Isaiah 55 which means your thoughts must line up with God’s. If your thoughts are in agreement with God’s, your actions and deeds will follow.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8)
Many Christians are coming into the Spirit of Holiness this year and that is the Spirit of Resurrection in Romans 1:4. We are called to be holy as the Lord Thy God is Holy (Lev. 19:2). Then we have the power to heal the sick, raise the dead and do the greater works. The Spirit of Resurrection is coming to the remnant so they can bring thousands into salvation by knowing the way and the way is holiness through obedience to Isaiah 55:8.
We had been working on the road going up a mountain and had it graded down and graveled so you could drive on it. We just needed to finish it at the very top so people could drive up and park and look into the heavens. I believe this is saying that the heavens are going to be open this year. So expect to receive greater revelation than ever before. Then take it down the mountain road and into the cities and villages and watch them be transformed as you deliver them from demonic oppression, plagues and disease. When the glory rests upon you like it did Moses, no demon will be able to resist its’ presence.
Oh, that You would rend the heavens! That You would come down!?That the mountains might shake at Your presence— (Isaiah 64:1)
House Ablaze
By Bonnie Jones
In a dream I saw people running toward a house that was greatly ablaze; fire was blaring everywhere. There was yellow police tape stretched between trees in the foreground that read “DO NOT CROSS.” But people paid it no mind. They just broke through the tape and ran toward the fire.
I believe the house represents the church and its about to catch fire. The glory of the Lord is going to fill the house in such an extraordinary way that it’s going to be contagious. People will come from near and far to feel the presence and power of the baptism of fire.
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