WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to current laws, there are only two official “genders” that are legally protected in anti-discrimination laws – male and female. It would be illegal to stop a man from working at Victoria Secret, no matter how weird it would be, for example. It’s a legally protected right. That might be the most basic of the current rulings, but things are about to get a whole lot more complicated.

According to lawmakers, new anti-discrimination laws are currently being written, with the U.S. Government planning to add an additional 285 genders to their list, including “binary,” “non-binary,” “gender fluid,” “gender queer,” and many more. This is in a full attempt to make sure that everyone is included.

“We just want to make sure that everyone, no matter how stupid their personal choice, is equally protected and represented by our laws and government,” said representative John Miller, R – Delaware. “I personally think it’s retarded, but hey, what do I know? I figure whatever is between your legs right now, that’s your gender. But a lot of little pansies are getting offended and triggered by that, so we have to make changes. My 16-year-old daughter now she identifies a genderless, binary, queeratron mecharobot, but with slightly gay tendencies and a hardcore drug problem. Fuck does that even mean? That’s not a gender.”

Whether or not the people in charge of making the laws agree with them, at least they are making progress.

“Yeah, we’re doing our best. My daughter’s stupid unicorn robot fucking…shit, I’ve already forgotten. Whatever, that isn’t being included specifically, but at least we’re making strides, I guess,” said Miller. “God, this is so stupid. She’s a girl, and I’ll beat that notion right into her later.”