BANGOR, Maine –

WABZ Channel 13 in Maine will open a listing for a new meteorologist this week, as seasoned vet Ray Buckley has reportedly  committed suicide. While many would think the holidays had gotten him down, as happens with many people each year, it was, in fact, the unpredictable nature of the weather, and the high expectations people place on weather forecasters.

In Buckley’s suicide note he describes the futility of weather prediction.

“It’s a chaotic system, ruled by nonlinear dynamics. You work the differential equations, hoping you’ve input the right data, but soon a ‘trace to 2 inches’ of snow becomes 6-8 inches. God Himself couldn’t predict the damn weather. Then they call you out on it. ‘Thought it was supposed to be sunny this weekend, Ray? Your prediction ruined my picnic!’ I’ve reached my limit. A man can only be told he has an ‘asshole face’ so many times by people who don’t know him before he breaks.”

WABZ says they will have no problem filling the position. Inside sources say Buckley’s performance was less than perky as of late, and they were already looking for a replacement.