CHARLESTON, South Carolina – 

Parents, be warned! A dangerous new form of “tongue splitting” is becoming increasingly popular with teens, as more and more have their tongue split down the middle, and then have a zipper forcefully attached in its place.

Tongue splitting itself has been a fringe form of body modification for years, although often difficult to find safe environments for the operation to be performed. With many piercing shops refusing to do it out of severe medical issues that could arise, it was often something that needed to be performed by a plastic surgeon.

New techniques, though, have made it possible for many teens to do the “surgery” themselves, in the comfort of their own homes.

“Oh yeah man, it was pretty easy, actually,” said Joe Goldsmith, 16. “I pretty much just stole a pair of scissors from school, and I cut right down the middle of my friend Amanda’s tongue. No problem at all. It was a bit more of a bitch getting the blood out of my mom’s shag carpet, though. Then, we took a zipper of a pair of old jeans, and we kind of forced it into the open wound area. Once it was healed, she was good to go.”

Many body modification enthusiasts say that tongue splitting amongst teens is at an all-time high, especially now that they are performing the mod themselves in their own home.

“I waited until my stupid bitch mom passed out drunk like she does every night, and then I snuck out to have my tongue zippered at a friend’s house,” said Joanne Myers, 14. “My fat cow mother screamed when she saw it, but I think it’s bad ass, and my boyfriend loves it when I go down on him now.”

Parents are cautioned to not allow their children to play with sharp objects, knives, or scissors. If they have have pants with zippers, remove the zippers immediately and replace with velcro or button snaps to avoid possible misuse.