Faux Report

White College Prof. Tries To Prove There’s No Racial Bias By Police, Undergoes Surgery To Look Black – He’s Instantly Shot and Arrested

black man

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A white college professor at Boston College, Mark Ryder, 38, underwent over 200 hours of expensive cosmetic surgery to look “as black as possible,” with hopes that he could prove to his Ethics in Law class that there was no such thing as a racial bias by police, and that the media like to hype up issues with African Americans by police.

According to reports, though, Ryder was shot and later arrested by police after he tried to leave his doctor’s office and walk to his own car across the street.

“My client was simply walking to his car, which happened to be a brand new Tesla, and was stopped by police,” said Ryder’s lawyer, Carlton Fisher. “They assumed he was stealing it, and despite when being asked to show his hands and complying, officers shot Mr. Ryder twice. He was struck in the arm and the ribs.”

Police reports show that Ryder was “not cooperative” with police requests, and was shot after an officer believed he was reaching for a weapon. Naturally, the officer’s body camera was switched off.

Ryder has since been released from prison, and is planning a lawsuit against the Boston PD. He has also retired from teaching Ethics in Law, stating that “English is a much easier, more straight-forward class.”

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Faux Report

Man Petitions City to Earn Community Service Credits for Future Infractions

law

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

Alen Jackson says he doesn’t plan to break laws intentionally, but he still gets hassled all the time by police and meter-maids because, according to Jackson, “I’m black and proud.”

Jackson has taken his annoyances about laws to the city, where he has proposed what he calls “earn credits.” With the credits, a person wouldn’t get ticketed or hassled for minor infractions, because they’ve earned up a sort of “goodwill” with the city.

“I really don’t mind volunteering for community service or that sort of thing if it meant that I would be able to cash in on it later,” said Jackson. “This would be a successful community outreach program, and I suggest it be implemented, because people who look a certain way are going to get hassled more. It’s just a fact we have to live with, and this would encourage the community to come together.”

Jackson has suggested going as far as pre-serving time. “I could just go in on the weekends, spend a little time, and not have to worry about a wrongful conviction based on my looks later on.”

Jackson has also offered an alternative plan in response to the police brutality and violence he has seen on Facebook. “I have no record of violent offenses, so I don’t want to be shot for no reason,” said Jackson. “There should be a way to advertise this to protect myself. It could be as simple as a microchip. It could send a signal that says, ‘hey, he’s black, but he’s not dangerous,’ and a lot of innocent lives would be saved.”

Chicago lawmakers say they are considering the measures suggested by Jackson.

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