Tag Archives: sexual

Faux Report

Congress To Lift Age of Sexual Consent Across Country

sex

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Congress has voted unanimously to completely lift the age of sexual consent in all states in the country. Currently, most states have laws that restrict sexual activity to teens aged 16, 17, or 18, depending on the state. Starting June 1st, the laws will be lifted, allowing children of all ages to begin copulating.

“The problem with the current laws, really, was that sex feels really, really damn good,” said congressman Joel Silver (R-Iowa). “Kids know that, and they’ve been having sex younger and younger over the years. In the early 1900s, girls were getting married and having families at 13. Somewhere along the way, those values were skewed. This helps to get us back on the right track.”

According to Silver, the bill was created to make sure that there were less people crying statutory rape unnecessarily.

“My son is 17, and his girlfriend was 16,” said Silver. “They dated for two years. Both myself and the girl’s parents knew that they were having sex. It was fine, until they broke up. At that point, the girl’s parents immediately cried statutory rape, and my son was arrested and charged. Is that fair? This fixes that.”

Silver hopes that children who begin sexual activity earlier will also learn about safe sex earlier as well.

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Faux Report

Congress To Lift Age of Sexual Consent Across Country

sex

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Congress has voted unanimously to completely lift the age of sexual consent in all states in the country. Currently, most states have laws that restrict sexual activity to teens aged 16, 17, or 18, depending on the state. Starting June 1st, the laws will be lifted, allowing children of all ages to begin copulating.

“The problem with the current laws, really, was that sex feels really, really damn good,” said congressman Joel Silver (R-Iowa). “Kids know that, and they’ve been having sex younger and younger over the years. In the early 1900s, girls were getting married and having families at 13. Somewhere along the way, those values were skewed. This helps to get us back on the right track.”

According to Silver, the bill was created to make sure that there were less people crying statutory rape unnecessarily.

“My son is 17, and his girlfriend was 16,” said Silver. “They dated for two years. Both myself and the girl’s parents knew that they were having sex. It was fine, until they broke up. At that point, the girl’s parents immediately cried statutory rape, and my son was arrested and charged. Is that fair? This fixes that.”

Silver hopes that children who begin sexual activity earlier will also learn about safe sex earlier as well.

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Faux Report

Woman Crushed To Death While Having Sex With Horse

horse

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

Elvis, a spotted saddle horse, has been removed from his owner’s custody after crushing a woman to death. According to husband Rick Brownlee, Mary Brownlee had grown up around horses and this wasn’t her first time, so he was not worried she would be injured.

Rick Brownlee, Steven Hutchinson, and Joseph Hutchinson, who all live in the home where the horse was stabled, were not immediately forthcoming about the manner in which Mary had been killed.

Officer Michael Deschenes says at first they pretended not to know how she had been killed when they were questioned.

“Of course it was suspicious because she had her pants around her ankles. There was a puddle of what appeared to be a large amount of ejaculate. I told them that they were going to fess up or they was all going to jail.”

The men finally confessed, and police seized a video showing Mary Brownlee’s last minutes. On the video the men can be heard cheering, laughing, and breathing heavily while the horse mounted Mary. Investigators say the cracking of her ribs can be isolated on the tape. Because Mary was being crushed she was unable to scream for help.

Joseph Hutchinson says they honestly did not know she was in trouble. “I heard a snap. Just thought it was the fence starting to give. I’m real sorry the horse had to go through this. You can tell he’s awfully traumatized over it.”

According to police, the horse will be placed with another local rancher who has promised that he will not let anyone have sex with it.

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Faux Report

New ‘Hag Porn’ Fetish Taking Internet By Storm

haggard

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Jaded by the typical hot porn-star type, some men turn to amateur porn. Others though, are now indulging in “hag porn,” finding they have been desensitized to attractive women and need something more “sinful and dirty,” so they seek out disgusting, older, or haggard-looking women.

College student James Reynolds says hag porn is the only thing he can get off to now.

“Me and my bros used to laugh at those butter faces, but I can admit now we were secretly turned on by them. We’ve got some tapes in the frat house where my bros find the ugliest girl at the bar and bring her back. They’re always surprised at all these young dudes that want them, and more than happy to do anything we want.”

One reason hag porn is catching on in the industry is that it is so cheap to produce. Although a typical ugly chick at the bar may participate for free, the ugliest hags usually require a small down payment. One popular video shows the actors climbing under an overpass to find participants; They pay an older woman five dollars to make the film, while dirty homeless men look on.

“I have to admit, I am sick to death of porn stars with their heels still on, stupid long fingernails, and their incessant moaning,” said pornography addict Bob Thomas. “I like my women raw. Dirty. Fucking diseased, even, I don’t care. I just don’t want to see the same generic blondes getting dicked by big black men. Hag porn is the best thing to come along since the internet.”

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Faux Report

Teen Girl Dies While Masturbating, Parents Blame ‘Extremely Large Dildo’

dildo

TOPEKA, Kansas – 

A 16-year-old girl was found dead in her home late Friday evening, apparently suffering from a heart attack while masturbating. Her parents, who would only give their first names, Joe and Carol, say they found their daughter, who they wish to not name, after they returned from their anniversary dinner.

“[Name redacted] knew she wasn’t supposed to use her mother’s big, black double-ender, and we’d never thought she’d sneak into our room and take it,” said Joe. “We didn’t really want to bring it up to her, because it’s embarrassing. I’d give anything to go back in time now, and tell her not to use such a big one. She wasn’t ready for that yet.”

“I’ve had so many more years of getting torn up, that really, I needed one that big to even feel it,” said Carol, who claims the dildo was around 9 inches or so in circumference. “[Name Redacted] was just a young girl. She shouldn’t have been taking one so big. It was too much, and her heart couldn’t take it.”

Joe and Carol say that they want their story to be a lesson to all parents, and that talking to your children about the dangers of excessively large sexual toys should be mentioned in the initial “birds and the bees” talk.

“Please, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk to your kids,” said Joe. “They need to know that sometimes, a penis – real or fake – is just too damn big.”

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