Tag Archives: retard

Faux Report

Idiot Arrested After Burning Toddler In Stupid, Tragic Accident

idiot

ONTARIO, Canada –

Troy Allen, 27, was arrested for criminal negligence after throwing motor oil in a fire, which exploded and severely burned a nearby toddler. Allen says he had changed the oil in his truck earlier that week and needed to get rid of it.

“I thought – what better way to get rid of it? I didn’t know my nephew was behind me. He’d been put to bed as far as I knew,” said Allen. “I don’t know why everyone is giving me shit over this. He’s not my kid. Besides, I got plenty burned too, and he’s a lot younger than me. His body will heal and his skin will bounce right back.”

Responding officer Bill Parker said, “People do stupid things like that all the time around here. Unfortunately this time there were tragic consequences, as little Evan Williams was burned severely.”

The 2-year-old boy, Evan Williams, received third degree burns over most of his chest and face, and remains in critical condition at a local hospital. The mother of the toddler will also be charged with negligence as she told police “she was a little drunk” and did not know her boy was out of bed.

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Faux Report

‘Gaping Mouth,’ ‘Mouth Breather’ Look Actually A Sign of Genius

gaping mouth

ROCKFORD, Illinois – 

Although a person who lets their mouth hang open may appear stupid or inbred, new studies suggest it may actually be a sign of superior intellect and genius.

Researcher Steven Hildebrandt claims many who let their mouths gape open show more brain activity on MRIs. “They’re using such a large percentage of their brain on intellectual pursuits that their jaws and jowls involuntarily relax.” Hildebrandt says he has found that not all mouth breathers are geniuses, and encourages people not to judge intellect based on mouth breathing alone.

Mareta Romano, the mother of a ten year old who suffers from resting-retard face says, “I couldn’t stand how she let her mouth hang open all the time. I said ‘Dora, sweetie, you look like a goddamn fool.’ After hearing about this study, I still do not feel a young lady should let her mouth hang wide open like that, but I have made her father stop beating her for it.”

Hildebrandt claims that they plan on continuing the study, examining more mouth breathers, with full findings expected to be published later in the year.

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