Tag Archives: Rectum

Faux Report

Man Forcibly Inserts Handgun Into Anus Because He Thinks It Is The ‘Safest Place’ To Keep It

gun

DELUTH, Mississippi – 

Dale Kyle, 40, was recently hospitalized after he says he put his 1887 Colt Peacemaker into his anus, thinking it was the “safest place” for it to be.

According to doctors, Kyle put the gun in his own ass because his house has been robbed over a dozen times in a matter of 5 years, and in several of those instances, his entire gun collection was taken.

“Basically, the only place a gun is safe is when you’re carrying it,” said Kyle. “But I sleep naked, and I don’t want anyone sneaking up on me while I’m in my birthday suit. So I figured the best thing would be to just slip it on up. I thought if I had it handy, I could push it out at a moment’s notice, just in case.”

As Kyle found, though, the rectum is not designed for entry, and things can easily become lodged.

His doctor, Kristopher McKenna, says that this is not the first gun he has seen wedged into a middle-aged man’s derrière.

“Men in their 40s to 50s, they like to stick things in their ass,” said Dr. McKenna. “I don’t know why, I never went through that phase myself. I think it’s a southern thing, and I was raised in New York. Either way, this isn’t the first time I’ve pulled something out of some dude’s ass, and it no doubt won’t be the last.”

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Faux Report

New Thrill Of Shooting Air Into Rectum With Bike Pump Kills Hundreds of Teens

pump

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

“The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of Pumping”, a spokesman for the prestigious Carlson Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts, told reporters. “If this perversion catches on, it will destroy this country worse than it already is.”

John Miles, MD, was speaking after the remains of 13-year-old Charlie Richards had been brought into the hospital’s emergency room, the latest victim of the internet trend “pumping,” which began in Taiwan.

“Most ‘Pumpers’ use a standard bicycle pump,” he explained, “inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. It’s highly dangerous, and so far, we’ve seen at least 100 cases of children who were killed or severely injured from ‘pumping.'”

Charlie Richards took it further than others, and it cost him his life. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but that wasn’t exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.

Not realising how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died instantly, but passers by are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight firework display, and started clapping.

“We still haven’t located all of him,” says Police Chief Joe Whitcum. “When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like a tiny atom bomb went off or something.”

“Pumping is the devil’s pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,” Dr. Miles concluded. “Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you.”

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Faux Report

Woman Suffers Severe Rectum Burns After Cell Phone Falls In Toilet, Shorts Out

cell phone

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida – 

A 28-year-old woman was hospitalized with severe burns to her buttocks, rectum, and vagina after her cell phone fell out of her pants pocket while she was in the process of sitting down in a restaurant bathroom, landing in the toilet. The water shorted out the phone, causing a small explosion inside the toilet bowl. The explosion is what caused the woman to get burned.

“I’m not going to lie, it was really hilarious,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Daytona Medical Center. “My wife drops her stupid phone in the toilet constantly. So does my teenage daughter. I don’t know why women insist on putting their phones in their back pocket. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Dr. Brown says that the patient, whose name is not being released, will have minor scarring, but in the future, he warns that the case could have been a lot worse.

“She could have died, easily, from her injuries,” said Dr. Brown. “I caution women everywhere to stop putting their phones in their back pockets, stop wearing stupid little jeans with tiny pockets, or stop having phones all together. This is a tragic, yet stupidly ridiculous, circumstance, that I never want to have to deal with again. Be safe, girls.”

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