Tag Archives: polygamy

Faux Report

Man Born With Two Penises Is Suing The Government So He Can Marry Two Women

penises

WATERTOWN, Connecticut – 

Jerry Newbury, 29, is currently trying to sue the state of Connecticut, saying that polygamous marriage should be made legal, at least in special cases like his.

“I was born with two penises, and therefore, I should  be allowed to marry two women,” said Newbury, a construction worker in Watertown. “I have never been sexually satisfied just having one woman, but this isn’t even just about the sex. This is also about love. I’ve met two beautiful, amazing women, and they both want to marry me. This is a quest for love!”

A lawyer for Newbury, Martin Preston III, Esq., argues that “the time for polygamy” has come.

“We have interracial marriage, we have gay marriage. I think it’s time that if a man wants to marry multiple women, he should be allowed,” state Preston. “This man is doing a brave service. Think of how hard it is having one, bitchy, nagging wife. Mr. Newbury wants to take on TWO! Imagine how painful this will be for him when their cycles inevitably match up? It will be torture.”

So far, the judge on the case has not made any formal ruling.

Standard
Faux Report

Father Marries His Twin Daughters In First Incestuous Polygamous Relationship

PROVO, Utah –

John Jacob Schmidt, 50, was recently wed to his two twin daughters, Marna and Mary, 22, in what has become the nation’s first incestuous polygamous marriage, say Utah state officials.

Utah is known for its heavy population of Mormons, who believe and practice in polygamy, which is taking multiple wives. Although not legal, many small towns in Utah allow for the practice, although in the case of Schmidt, he was taking his relationships to the next level.

“I have never in my life loved anyone more than I love my daughters,” said Schmidt, beaming proudly in his finest overalls and tie. “Even my first 8 wives were not as important to me as my daughters. After all of my wives died, the only family I have left are Marna and Mary, and they want this just as much as I do.”

“I love my daddy, and I would do anything to make him happy,” said Mary. “Marna and I, we have been sharing our daddy’s bed since as far back as we can remember, and we’ve always felt nothing but the deepest, hardest love from our father. This is a dream come true.”

“I think that every girl dreams of marrying a man just like their daddy, and this is just taking that to the next logical step, and doing just that,” said Marna. “Mary and I want this. Our Daddy wants this. It’s an amazing feeling to know that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with the man you love.”

Standard