Tag Archives: New England Patriots

Faux Report

Atlanta Falcons Say Brady, Patriots Cheated Their Way To Super Bowl Victory

HOUSTON, Texas – 

A representative for the Atlanta Falcons says that the team has made an official complaint with the NFL, stating that the New England Patriots cheated during the second half of the Super Bowl, causing the Falcons to lose.

In official documents signed by Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank and endorsed by head coach Dan Quinn, the team alleges that the New England Patriots cheated by having, “huge, over-inflated balls.”

“During the first half of the game, the Patriots clearly were using their normal balls. Hell, they might have been using slightly under-inflated balls, honestly,” said coach Dan Quinn. “I don’t know exactly what happened after the 3rd quarter, but when they came back out on the field, that team was definitely playing with an entirely new set of balls – and their balls were huge, and way larger than before.”

The NFL is not taking the accusation lightly, as the Patriots have known to play with their balls on previous occasions, with team quarterback and GOAT Tom Brady even being suspended for several games for knowingly playing with deflated balls.

“We are looking at the Patriots balls very closely, as we cannot and will not take any accusation lightly of the Patriots playing with either small or large balls,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “I have personally taken up the task of looking at Tom Brady’s balls, and will report my findings at a later conference.

In the mean time, football fans across New England are overjoyed at their team bringing home their 5th Super Bowl win.

“It’s a great time to be alive,” said Patriots Super Fan Mark Chilsom. “I don’t care a lick about balls, to be honest. That was the greatest game I’ve ever seen played, with a record-setting comeback. If it was because Tom Brady and the team came out to play with huge balls in the 4th, well the so be it.”

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Faux Report

Robert Kraft To Sell New England Patriots To Highest Bidder After AFC Loss

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FOXBORO, Massachusetts – 

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has said that he is selling the championship team after a 2-point loss in this year’s AFC championship game. According to Kraft, he can’t deal with the New England fans any longer.

“When we’re winning, the fans are amazing, and there’s nothing better than being the owner,” said Kraft. “Unfortunately, when we’re losing – or when we’ve lost – the fans become vile, vicious, and stupid. They send death-threat tweets to players. They tell players that they should kill themselves. It’s sickening, and it makes me want to leave sports completely.”

Kraft says that he wants to sell the team to someone who can handle being on the losing end of a New England sports season.

“New England fans are the most passionate sports fans I’ve ever seen,” said Kraft. “Red Sox Nation is amazing. They will follow the Sox ’til they die, but they don’t generally lob hate speech at them when they lose. Same goes for Celtics and Bruins fans – they’re passionate, but they’re not vile. Football fans are disgusting human beings.”

The team, which is one of the most valuable in the game, is worth an astounding $172 million. Kraft says he will sell them for a “maximum of $2 million.”

“Whatever gets me the hell away from these fans, I’ll do it,” said Kraft. “I am done being a part of this league if New England fans are going to get like this every time there’s a loss. Plus, I just can’t stand Tom Brady.”

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Faux Report

Super Bowl 50 To Be Cancelled Over Possible Terrorist Attack

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SANTA CLARA, California –

The National Football League announced today that they would be canceling this year’s Super Bowl after credible terrorist threats were made. The NFL has been working closely with the FBI for the last several days after the threat was received, and it was at the urging of the government that the NFL cancel the biggest game of the year.

“We did not want to give up the game, because it’s the biggest and most important game of the year, and it brings in hundreds of millions of tax-free dollars for our organization,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “We cannot, in good conscience, allow a game to be played, though, where people got be violently injured or killed. And in this rare instance, I’m referring to the fans, not the players, as their serious injuries come over years of play.”

According to FBI information, a secret organization of New England Patriots fans said they would detonate bombs around Levi’s Stadium during the Super Bowl, killing thousands. A message placed on several anonymous social media websites say that the fans are outraged that their team lost in the AFC championship game, and they planned to take it out on any fans of the two teams that are playing in the Super Bowl.

“We do not currently have plans to reschedule. It is possible we will play the game at a later date with no audience, and then air a taped version of the game, but as of now, no final decision has been made,” said Goodell.

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