Tag Archives: injured

Faux Report

Bill Murray Reportedly Stabs Fan Who Was Photographing Him

murray

LOS ANGELES, California –

Bill Murray reportedly stabbed a fan who was taking pictures of him at a Los Angeles bar and restaurant, say reports. The fan, George Willis, was taken to a nearby hospital where he was treated for his wounds and released.

According to onlookers, Willis repeatedly took pictures of the Groundhog Day star, even after Murray had politely asked him not to. After several minutes of Willis gawking and photo-taking, Murray reportedly grabbed Willis’ cell phone and threw it across the room. Willis then proceeded to pull a tablet out of a bag, and continue taking pictures.

“It was at that point that Bill picked up his fork, went over to the guy again, and stabbed him in the shoulder,” said a witness. “To be honest, I laughed, because the guy deserved it. Funny thing was, the guy who got stabbed, he didn’t even flinch. He let out a wail, but then went right back to taking pictures with his iPad.”

Murray left the bar shortly after the incident, but Willis says that he is not pressing charges anyway.

“Bill Murray is the greatest actor in the history of cinema,” said Willis. “I know that he asked me to stop taking pictures, but I just couldn’t. Even after he smashed my phone and threw it. To be stabbed by him  is the greatest honor ever. Maybe someday I can meet him again, and he can sign the scar in my shoulder and I can get it tattooed onto me permanently.”

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Faux Report

Bill Murray Reportedly Stabs Fan Who Was Photographing Him

murray

LOS ANGELES, California –

Bill Murray reportedly stabbed a fan who was taking pictures of him at a Los Angeles bar and restaurant, say reports. The fan, George Willis, was taken to a nearby hospital where he was treated for his wounds and released.

According to onlookers, Willis repeatedly took pictures of the Groundhog Day star, even after Murray had politely asked him not to. After several minutes of Willis gawking and photo-taking, Murray reportedly grabbed Willis’ cell phone and threw it across the room. Willis then proceeded to pull a tablet out of a bag, and continue taking pictures.

“It was at that point that Bill picked up his fork, went over to the guy again, and stabbed him in the shoulder,” said a witness. “To be honest, I laughed, because the guy deserved it. Funny thing was, the guy who got stabbed, he didn’t even flinch. He let out a wail, but then went right back to taking pictures with his iPad.”

Murray left the bar shortly after the incident, but Willis says that he is not pressing charges anyway.

“Bill Murray is the greatest actor in the history of cinema,” said Willis. “I know that he asked me to stop taking pictures, but I just couldn’t. Even after he smashed my phone and threw it. To be stabbed by him  is the greatest honor ever. Maybe someday I can meet him again, and he can sign the scar in my shoulder and I can get it tattooed onto me permanently.”

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Faux Report

Teen Blinded After Taking Advice From Gag Meme On Facebook

blind

BRIDGTON, Maine –

Tanya Herson, 17, has reportedly blinded herself after putting jalapeño slices directly over her eyes in a misguided beauty technique. A meme she had seen on Facebook said it would get rid of puffy eyes. Although it started to burn almost immediately, she assumed that was a sign that it was working.

Her mother, Deanna, says she “heard Tanya screaming bloody murder,” but at first did not know what had happened.

“Tanya couldn’t tell me what happened. Her eyes were red and swollen. I thought it was an allergic reaction to some kind of makeup, so I had her flush out her eyes in the shower and called 911,” said Deanna.

By the time paramedics arrived, Tanya had completely lost sight in both eyes. Later she told her mother she had seen it in a meme.

“There needs to be someone monitoring the internet,” says Tasha’s mother. “We can’t continue to allow our fake news to hurt our impressionable children.” Deanna says she is looking into suing Mark Zuckerberg for her daughter’s medical bills, as well as pain and suffering. “He owns the website, and the website let someone post this horrible information. If he’s not to blame, I don’t know who is.”

 

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