LOS ANGELES, California – 

Doctor Carl Jung, a gastroenterologist working in Los Angeles, California, has said he has developed the world’s most perfect, and most expensive, colon cleanse for his patients who need to “get the pipes working again.”

Dr. Jung has been treating certain patients using the “blood of the innocent,” which he harvests from a doctor friend that performs abortions at a local Planned Parenthood facility.

“My procedure is one-of-a-kind that I developed myself while studying in Uganda in 1983,” said Dr. Jung. “It works better than any other anal douche you could get, and it’s all because of the massive white blood cell count found in aborted fetuses. This is not a magic pill you take to cleanse your body – this is a true, liquid cavity expulsion.”

Dr. Jung says that he has been procuring dead babies for “over 30 years” from a friend, who says wishes to remain anonymous. Several celebrities, including Martha Stewart, Barack Obama, and Paul McCartney have all said to have visited Dr. Jung for the treatment, which costs a whopping $289,000 per session.

“They love it, and they keep coming back,” said Dr. Jung. “As anyone would tell you, there’s no better way to cleanse that ass than with the blood of the innocent.”