Tag Archives: Doritos

Faux Report

Frito-Lay Announces New, Mega-Sized Doritos Chips

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Frito-Lay, the company who manufactures Doritos-brand tortilla chips, has announced that they have plans to make an excessively large chip, with plans to release it later this summer.

“After a viral meme caught our attention, relating the name ‘Dorito’ to meaning ‘little Doro,’ in Spanish, and surmising that must mean that somewhere out there are ‘large Doros,’ we decided to give the public exactly what they want,” said Frito-Lay spokesman Mario Rogers. “We will be unveiling the DoroXL by the end of the summer, with chips that are roughly the size of the current Party Bag of Doritos.”

The company says this is the first time they’ve ever turned an internet joke into an actual product, but they believe it will sell very well.

“With the success of our Doritos-Locos tacos at Taco Bell with stoners and alcoholics, there is no way that this product can fail,” said Rogers. “We are very excited for everyone to see these new chips. They’re literally the size of your head.”

The product will come in the original nacho cheese and “Cool Ranch” flavor to start, and Rogers says that – sales figures depending – the company may release other popular flavors in the DoroXL brand.

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Faux Report

Crotch-Stomper Doritos From China Taste ‘Just Like Balls’

balls

BEIJING, China – 

For years the internet has been confused by an image of a bag of Doritos from China featuring a man appearing to hold another man’s legs apart while he stomps on his crotch. The Doritos, which have been dubbed “Crotch-Stomper” chips, are considered a delicacy in China, unlike the traditional chips sold throughout the world as a standard item.

According to people who have been able to try the chips, they taste exactly the way you’d expect: like balls.

“Oh my God, they’re horrible,” said Mark Jones, who paid almost $100 for a bag online. “I had to try them though – that picture is crazy. But, frankly, they taste exactly the way my balls smell after a long day at the gym or something. Nasty.”

Doritos are manufactured by Frito Lay, who say that the flavor is supposed to be  savory, sweet, and tangy.

“The chips are certainly not supposed to taste like balls,” said Frito Lay spokesman Jeff Miller. “I tried them, I thought they tasted kind of like stale salt & vinegar chips. They’re not my favorite, but people love them, especially in China.”

“I ate a whole bag, I couldn’t get enough of them,” said Missy Loans. “I bought a bag online. Paid about $80 bucks for it, and they were gone in minutes. I don’t know if they really taste like balls – I mean, I’ve had plenty of balls in my mouth over the years, and I’ve never tasted balls like this. Maybe a bit like dick, but I mean, the dick is definitely not balls.”

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