Faux Report

Habitat For Humanities Funding Cut; Charity To Begin Building Trailers Instead of Houses

trailer

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Habitat For Humanities, who have been building houses for needy families for years announced today that their funding has been cut by over 70%, and that donations have slowed to a trickle in the last 6 months.

“We’re not sure if we’re going to be able to continue at this rate, but so far, what we’ve decided is that we cannot let families go without a home,” said Habitat president Joanne Miller. “With that in mind, we’ve come up with a cheap alternative, and we have started building modular trailers for our families in need. They’re smaller, and probably a little trashier, but at least it has four walls and a roof.”

Miller says that she hopes that at some point donations start coming back in, but she’s not hopeful.

“It’s very hard to get people to want to donate money to have a house built for someone,” said Miller. “I mean, in all seriousness, I don’t even have my own house, you know? People don’t see it as a real need, because they’re struggling to pay their rent or mortgage, and here we are asking for money to give someone else a free house. It’s hard.”

So far, since funding was cut, Habitat for Humanities has built 3 new trailers in the Atlanta region, with plans on having at least 2 more done by year’s end.

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Faux Report

Man Sues Parents For Having Him Circumcised As A Baby

foreskin

GARDNER, Indiana – 

Caleb Fartz, 38, has filed a lawsuit against his parents, Mary and Richard Fartz, both 70, after he says they “neglected to get his permission” for circumcision, a procedure that Caleb had done when he was only 4 days old.

“My parents did not ask me if I wanted to have a part of my penis lopped off, and if they had asked, I certainly wouldn’t have given them permission,” said Caleb Fartz. “The doctor must have taken too much off, too, because – not that I like to make this public, really – but I’m not very big down there. If I wasn’t circumcised, I’d be a lot bigger. At least by a couple millimeters.”

“We have no idea where this is coming from,” said Richard Fartz. “We gave him plenty of love as a child. He grew up in a pretty well-to-do home. I’m circumcised. Everyone in my family is. It’s not a big deal. Hell, he just isn’t a big kid. Never was. Nothing to be ashamed about. If he thinks he’s going to get anything out of me, then he can just kiss my smegma.”

According to his lawyers, the younger Fartz, which is pronounced like Fart-Zee, is seeking $650,000 in punitive damages, and another $3.5 million for “emotional distress.”

 

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