Tag Archives: cooking

Faux Report

Why You Need to STOP Cooking With Wooden Utensils IMMEDIATELY – This Can SAVE YOUR LIFE!

woodenLOS ANGELES, California – 

A mother in Los Angeles and her two children, aged 7 and 4, are in critical condition after ingesting what doctors are saying was an “extreme amount” of mites, linked to wooden cooking utensils in the family’s kitchen.

Miranda Joseph and her children were admitted to St. Christine Hospital in Los Angeles after the three of them became severely ill after eating a dinner of macaroni with sauce on Monday evening. Originally thought to be a case of food poisoning, the diagnosis was ruled out after Joseph began vomiting tiny, black bugs.

“When we called authorities to enter Ms. Joseph’s home and obtain any remaining food from their dinner, they brought back the entire pot and utensils that were used for cooking, which happened to be wooden spoons,” said Dr. Carl Richards, an attending ER doctor. “As soon as I saw the wooden utensils, I knew what had happened.”

According to Richards, there has been an extreme amount of cases throughout California and Nevada of a new “superbug” that infests homes, and will lodge itself into anything wooden.

“These bugs, they’re like a much smaller termite, almost impossible to see until they are swarming in the millions,” said Dr. Richards. “They’ve become increasingly common in many West Coast homes, and will bore into anything wooden – your house itself, bureaus, TV stands, and yes, even wooden utensils. Unfortunately, they are also quite poisonous to the human body.”

Dr. Richards suggests that anyone who currently uses wooden utensils to throw them out immediately, and replace with stainless steel or plastic.

“You don’t want to end up dead because you like the look of wood spoons,” said Dr. Richards.

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Faux Report

‘Zen Diet’ Helps You To Lose Weight By Balancing Your Body’s Chi

zen

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Zen cooking is reported to be a new diet fad that actually works.

The goal is to balance your chi using the five elements, earth, air, fire, water, and metal. Jon Sandifer lays out the somewhat complicated diet plan in his book, Zen and the Art of Cooking.

“It is unwise to use too many blues in the kitchen as that represents the element water,” says Sandifer’s book. “Green and browns have a better effect on the chi.” Other rules according to Zen include never eating under fluorescent lighting and cooking near right-angles, like those of most cabinetry.

“The yin and yang must be kept in balance, which means one does not eat too many yin ingredients like meat and grains, or excessive yang ingredients including mushrooms and greens,” said Sandifer. “It’s a really simple routine, and it works.”

Simon Richard, who claims to have lost 50 pounds with Zen cooking, explains the secret to Empire News. “Going through all the rules is so frustrating, often times I give up on the idea of eating and do something else entirely. It really and truly is a diet that works.”

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