Last week, Chinese Education Minister Yuan Guiren told colleges to “never let textbooks promoting Western values appear in our classes.”

Miniharm urges him to go further, banning Western influence from college entirely. Here’s how:

• Limit independent thoughts to one per student per semester.
• Ban books by non-Chinese writers such as Vladimir Lenin, Friedrich Engels and Karl Marx.
• All foreign languages should be taught exclusively in Chinese.
• Enforce popular “No Well-Connected Child Left Behind” policy.
• Remove glass, plastics, chalkboards and electricity from all classrooms.
• Shift prime meridian to place China in Western Hemisphere and Western Europe in Eastern Hemisphere.
• No more girls allowed.
• Replace physics, chemistry and biology courses with comprehensive Theory of the Five Elements seminar.
• Make engaging in a cappella, improv or Ultimate on campus punishable by death.
• Standardize and formally codify Chinglish.
• Discontinue annual Bring Your Alternative Political System to School Day.
• Fire, and lots of it.