Faux Report

‘World’s Ugliest Man’ Holds Guinness World Record For Most Sexual Partners

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NEW BRIGHTON, Connecticut – 

George L. George, 62, is the Guinness world record holder for “ugliest man,” a prize that he holds very dear to his heart. But the one record that he holds even more dear, is his number of sexual partners.

The Guinness Records Committee has recognized George’s 28,976 sexual partners as the most in history.

“It’s really kind of amazing that they’re recognizing me for my two greatest accomplishments, my dashing looks and my massive sexual conquests,” said George, who lives in an abandoned shack in Connecticut. “It’s been a long time coming for me, I’d say.”

George says that he has “always looked this way,” and that he had his first sexual encounter when he was 3.

“It was a babysitter, as it often is,” said George. “She wanted me badly. I gave it to her. Never stopped giving it to them.”

George received both of his Guinness awards via general post delivery, and says he has plans to display them on his toilet.

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Faux Report

Owen Wilson Says He Plans On Finally Getting Nose Job

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Actor Owen Wilson, the uglier, slightly funnier brother of actor Luke Wilson that you probably know from movies like Wedding Crashers and The Internship, has announced that he finally plans on fixing his nose, which has bothered audiences for year.

“I have decided that the time is right, and I will be undergoing rhinoplasty to fix this monstrosity of a nose on my face,” said Wilson. “I’ve played the comedian long enough, and my agent has told me that if I ever want to be taken seriously, I should try and take better care of my looks, so I am.”

Wilson has been acting for decades, and has a net worth of nearly $40 million from starring in hit films, but has always maintained his hideous facial feature.

“I’m so glad that he’s wising up and having the surgery,” said Wilson fan Mario Jones. “He would be so much better in movies if he wasn’t so damn hard to look at.”

“I think that it’s really courageous of him to talk about how ugly he’s been in public like this,” said Maria Jackson, another fan. “I always thought he would be so yummy if only he wasn’t so damn fugly. Now his brother Luke? Mmmmh, honey – I’d eat the crack of that man’s ass, lordy lordy, he’s fine!”

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Faux Report

New ‘Hag Porn’ Fetish Taking Internet By Storm

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

Jaded by the typical hot porn-star type, some men turn to amateur porn. Others though, are now indulging in “hag porn,” finding they have been desensitized to attractive women and need something more “sinful and dirty,” so they seek out disgusting, older, or haggard-looking women.

College student James Reynolds says hag porn is the only thing he can get off to now.

“Me and my bros used to laugh at those butter faces, but I can admit now we were secretly turned on by them. We’ve got some tapes in the frat house where my bros find the ugliest girl at the bar and bring her back. They’re always surprised at all these young dudes that want them, and more than happy to do anything we want.”

One reason hag porn is catching on in the industry is that it is so cheap to produce. Although a typical ugly chick at the bar may participate for free, the ugliest hags usually require a small down payment. One popular video shows the actors climbing under an overpass to find participants; They pay an older woman five dollars to make the film, while dirty homeless men look on.

“I have to admit, I am sick to death of porn stars with their heels still on, stupid long fingernails, and their incessant moaning,” said pornography addict Bob Thomas. “I like my women raw. Dirty. Fucking diseased, even, I don’t care. I just don’t want to see the same generic blondes getting dicked by big black men. Hag porn is the best thing to come along since the internet.”

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Faux Report

‘World’s Ugliest Woman’ Married To Man Who Wore Mask ‘To Make Wife Feel Pretty’

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JASMINE, Florida – 

The world’s ugliest woman, Joanne Jones, 32, was married last week to a man who obviously has no desire to be named publicly, but who spoke to Empire News about their lavish wedding.

“I married Joanne because although she may have the most hideous face in the world, she has a rockin’ body and she sucks like a champ,” said Jones’ new husband. “I wore a mask because I wanted her to feel pretty for just one day, at least. I mean frankly, it didn’t work. I still looked better in that mask that she did, but you know, she was happy. And because she was happy, I had one hell of a wedding night.”

“I was pretty sad when I was named Guinness’ ‘World’s Ugliest Person,’ but you know, it’s not that bad, really,” said Jones. “I do lots of speaking engagements. Public appearances. I make decent money doing that. And now I have true love. He definitely loves me, more than anyone ever has. He even wore that mask just to make me feel pretty. And that’s pretty awesome.”

“Make no mistake, I’m only with her because she’s a hell of a screw and makes good money and lives in a nice house,” said Joanne’s husband. “I went out with her on a bet, went to bed with her on a bet, shit I married her on a bet. The mask is, really, so no one knows who I am. I don’t want to be outed.”

“I love him so much,” said Joanne. “He’s the best.”

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