BEIJING — In response to multiple threats aimed at pirated DVD stores across the country, China has decided to pull all bootlegged copies of The Interview until further notice.

In a rambling manifesto, the cyberterrorists vowed to turn DVD stores into “palaces of death” and warned that “no one would be safe, not even in the VCD corner.”

Yesterday, store owners around Beijing were seen destroying leaked screeners of the action comedy, along with copies of Team America, just for good measure. Similar scenes have been reported in cities all over the country.

This morning, Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokesman Zhu Yuchen called a press conference to address concerns that the attacks were perpetrated by China’s supposed ally, North Korea.

“I can confirm that all pirated copies of this decadent film have been destroyed,” said Zhu. “So if North Korea is behind the attacks—and I’m not saying they are—they can rest assured that no one in China will ever see a single frame of this movie.”

Zhu told reporters that if the attacks continued, China was willing to destroy copies of other Seth Rogen and James Franco vehicles, such as This Is the End and Pineapple Express, as well.

“We mean our North Korean brothers no offense,” Zhu said. “But if we wanted to see Kim Jong-un dead, we’d kill him ourselves.”