Tag Archives: Television

Faux Report

McDonald’s Hires Gordon Ramsay As New TV Spokesman

ramsay

RICHARDSON, Texas – 

McDonald’s Corporation announced this morning that they have hired legendary chef and television celebrity Gordon Ramsay as their spokesman for a slew of upcoming TV commercials the company is working on.

“To be honest, we are extremely excited and amazed that he said yes to our offer,” said McDonald’s CEO Brian King. “We know that our food, while decent and mostly edible, is not to the level of a 5-star Michelin chef. We are very humbled that he is willing to promote our brand.”

“I’ve never eaten at McDonald’s, and I certainly don’t intend to start any time soon,” said Ramsay of his deal. “Frankly, they offered my a lot of money, and I’ll take it, but the food that they will show me eating in the commercials will not be real McDonald’s food. That’s just not something I’ll do. I can promise you that it will taste like dog vomit. I can tell just by looking at it.”

Ramsay is well known for his hit TV shows Hell’s Kitchen and MasterChef, among others. On Hell’s Kitchen, Ramsay is often shown screaming, yelling, and taunting contestants, who are competing for money and prizes.

“This will be a lot different than my TV shows,” said Ramsay. “They wanted to, at first, dress me up like the fucking clown, but I’m not doing that shite. That’s stupid. I’m going to talk about their hamburgers, and that’s it. The burgers are clearly shit. They look like shit, they smell like shit, and I’m getting physically ill just thinking about eating them.”

“It’s going to be great having Gordon Ramsay talk about our food in public,” said King. “We figure at this rate, we can’t get any lower ratings with the public than we have now, and at least if it’s Gordon Ramsay saying we’re horrible, there is no better person to critique than him.”

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Faux Report

China Removes Female Form from TV Drama

BEIJING — Just days after censors removed all cleavage from the Tang-era drama The Empress of China, another Chinese TV show has come under the close scrutiny of the censors.

Set in contemporary China, Women Going About Their Business follows four young women as they try to navigate the complexities of work and family in fast-paced Beijing.

However, the much-anticipated series ran afoul of the State Administration of Press, Publication, Radio, Film and Television (SAPPRFT), which pulled the show just days before its premiere.

“To promote a harmonious domestic media, all depictions of the female form must be removed.”

In an official statement, SAPPRFT said the show’s release was delayed because the “female body parts depicted on the show—including but not limited to legs, hips and sometimes eyes—could send male viewers into throes of wild, uncontrollable passion which inevitably lead to public licentiousness.”

“To promote a harmonious domestic media, all depictions of the female form must be removed,” the organization said.

SAPPRFT said that it would allow the show back on the air if the series were edited so that “all female characters were removed” or if all the women were “replaced by black silhouettes which cover the female form entirely.”

At the moment, it is unclear if the same restrictions will apply to all shows, as many of them contain females or depictions of the female anatomy.

At press time, the producers of Women Going About Their Business have agreed to make the necessary cuts and retool the story to make it about men instead.

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