Tag Archives: stripper

Faux Report

Pastry Chef Accidentally Bakes Bachelor Cake With Stripper Inside

bakery

TAMPA, Florida – 

A pastry chef in Tampa has been arrested on manslaughter charges after he accidentally baked a nude woman into a cake, say Tampa Police.

According to police reports, chef Mario Blister was hired to create an extremely large cake that a nude woman could “pop out” of during a bachelor party for a group of about 30 men.

“Unfortunately, the baker had the hired stripper come to his shop, and ended up cooking her inside the cake,” said police chief Chris Tanner. “It is a tragic accident, but we have taken Mr. Blister in on involuntary manslaughter charges.”

“I don’t know how it happened, honestly,” said Blister. “Diamond came to the shop, and I had her get inside the outer framing of the cake, to make sure it was the right size. I use a massive, oversized walk-in oven. It’s like a firing kiln, custom built, as I do a lot of stripper cakes, and it’s easier to make it all at once. She fit perfectly. I left to get some icing, and when I came back, she was gone. I assumed she had left. Turns out…I was wrong.”

Blister says that the cake mold has a clasping mechanism that had somehow gotten latched shut, and Diamond, whose real name is Bambi Limber, was still inside.

“Mr. Blister ended up cooking Ms. Limber at 350 for over 25 minutes, before he smelled that something was wrong,” said Chief Tanner. “When we showed up on the scene, it was a disaster. I’d never seen anything like it in all my years on the force. On the other hand, there was a lot of cake to take home, and it was delicious.”

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Faux Report

Man Dies At Bachelor Party After Stripper’s Large Breasts Suffocate Him

coroner

MIAMI, Florida – 

Greg Miller, 24, died on Saturday evening at his bachelor party, after a stripper accidentally suffocated him with her breasts. The dancer, whose stage name is Jiggles, reportedly has size 39-Triple-E breasts, and often uses them by shoving them in the faces of her customers.

“I’ve put my ta-tas in the faces of hundreds of men, and they all really liked it,” said Jiggles, whose real name is Jessica Girth. “This guy, though, he friggin’ loved my tits, and he couldn’t get enough. He was stone cold sober, and was still talking about calling off the wedding because he loved shovin’ his face between em. It was intense.”

Jiggles says that during the part, Miller shoved his face between her breasts, and about 5-minutes later, she realized that he was no longer moving.

“I pulled his face out, and one of his buddies gave him CPR,” said Jiggles. “It was too late though. I guess he suffocated in there.”

“Man, what a fucking awesome way to go, though, right?!” said Miller’s best man, Mike Carlson. “That girl had some of the best tits I’ve ever seen, and they were so good he died over them. Well, in them. It’s crazy. I mean, I kind of feel bad for Brenda, his fiance, but she is sorta a bitch anyway, so no harm, no foul. I know that Mills is looking down at us right now, rubbing one out over his own death. Classic Miller, dude.”

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