PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

Bill Cosby was finally arrested, just days before the public forgot why they were supposed to hate him, for aggravated sexual assault. According to reports, Cosby admitted to drugging a woman almost a decade ago, using quaaludes.

“We went and grabbed him earlier today,” said police officer Joe Goldsmith. “He went pretty easily. We were prepared for anything really. I mean, he’s a celebrity, so normally we’d treat him with kid gloves, but at the same time, he’s also black, and an accused rapist, so really, we had to take it seriously.”

Cosby’s lawyers will probably argue that he is innocent, despite the fact that Cosby has, in the past, readily admitted in court that he was guilty of drugging and assaulting at least one woman.

No statement directly from Cosby, but spectators at the police station did say that he looked very haggard and old, but managed, somehow, to keep his penis in his pants.

“I was pretty scared he might drop something into my drink, even though I wasn’t drinking anything and was standing over 50 yards away,” said Merle Jones, who was at the Philadelphia police station when Cosby was brought in. “You can never be too careful with these rapist celebrities.”