Miniharm had the opportunity to test China’s new operating system, due out in October. Here are the pros and cons of the as-yet-unnamed OS:

PROS:

• Looks just like Windows XP.
• Comes with free, six-month trial of Astrill VPN.
• Advanced auto-correct system detects misspelled words like “revolution” and “human rights.”
• Web browser developed by three former Internet Explorer employees.
• Users can update features with a click of a button, a valid ID card, relevant bank account information, blood sample and spare house key.
• Preloaded with the most popular apps and viruses.
• Exceptional Chinglish-language support.
• Can’t be worse than Windows Vista.

CONS:

• Not compatible with anything.
• Automatically sends your keystrokes and Internet browsing history to the Ministry of State Security every 10 minutes.
• Flashing red-and-yellow color scheme rumored to give epileptic fits.
• Can only be uninstalled by a member of the Standing Committee of the National People’s Congress.
• Doesn’t have Minesweeper.
• Only available desktop wallpaper is giant photograph of Xi Jinping.
• Self-destructs if activated by suspected rightist.
• License agreement requires user to take up arms to defend the Diaoyu Islands.