BEIJING, China – 

The world’s largest baby was born yesterday morning in Beijing, and it weighed in at a whopping 73 pounds!

“It was incredible to see, really,” said Dr. Miamoto, who delivered the child. “I’ve never seen a vagina stretch that far before. There was more tearing and ripping and blood than you can imagine.”

Dr. Miamoto says that, sadly, giving birth killed both of the parents, and that the child will be given over to the government.

“Naturally, being Chinese, the mother was not very large at all, and her entire organs prolapsed through her vagina and anus during delivery. Her husband, an American businessman, weighed nearly 400lbs,” said Miamoto. “He died of a heart attack at seeing the size of his baby. So even though they will never know this baby, they are probably looking down from Heaven, very happy that their baby is a Guinness record holder.”