EL SEGUNDO, California – 

Barbie dolls sales have been declining for years, dropping 20% between 2012 and 2014 alone. After receiving years of criticism that Barbie is too thin, Mattel has finally cracked; Barbie’s new friends will come in different shapes, sizes, and races to better reflect actual human diversity.

Critics complain that none of the new line are fat and ugly like real American girls. CEO Christopher Sinclair’s assistant says,“We still want the dolls to be attractive. Well, that sounds mean. It’s more like Barbie just wants to be friends with fit, happy people like her.”

Barbie opponents say they are not impressed by the seven new skin tones or the new line of friends. “They’ve had a token black and a token Asian since the 80s. They’re basically still white bitches who only care about fashion and seducing Ken so he’ll buy them that dreamhouse. I buy my daughter Bratz dolls, because a woman has got to have an attitude and over-sized head in this world,” says Jenny Alexa.

Mattel has met the criticism head-on by announcing the release of a specific Barbie doll that they have dubbed “Big Bootie Barbie.” The new doll will have a much curvier waistline, larger breasts, and a gigantic ass.