Tag Archives: dies

Faux Report

Man Dies At Bachelor Party After Stripper’s Large Breasts Suffocate Him

coroner

MIAMI, Florida – 

Greg Miller, 24, died on Saturday evening at his bachelor party, after a stripper accidentally suffocated him with her breasts. The dancer, whose stage name is Jiggles, reportedly has size 39-Triple-E breasts, and often uses them by shoving them in the faces of her customers.

“I’ve put my ta-tas in the faces of hundreds of men, and they all really liked it,” said Jiggles, whose real name is Jessica Girth. “This guy, though, he friggin’ loved my tits, and he couldn’t get enough. He was stone cold sober, and was still talking about calling off the wedding because he loved shovin’ his face between em. It was intense.”

Jiggles says that during the part, Miller shoved his face between her breasts, and about 5-minutes later, she realized that he was no longer moving.

“I pulled his face out, and one of his buddies gave him CPR,” said Jiggles. “It was too late though. I guess he suffocated in there.”

“Man, what a fucking awesome way to go, though, right?!” said Miller’s best man, Mike Carlson. “That girl had some of the best tits I’ve ever seen, and they were so good he died over them. Well, in them. It’s crazy. I mean, I kind of feel bad for Brenda, his fiance, but she is sorta a bitch anyway, so no harm, no foul. I know that Mills is looking down at us right now, rubbing one out over his own death. Classic Miller, dude.”

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Faux Report

Teen Girl Dies While Masturbating, Parents Blame ‘Extremely Large Dildo’

dildo

TOPEKA, Kansas – 

A 16-year-old girl was found dead in her home late Friday evening, apparently suffering from a heart attack while masturbating. Her parents, who would only give their first names, Joe and Carol, say they found their daughter, who they wish to not name, after they returned from their anniversary dinner.

“[Name redacted] knew she wasn’t supposed to use her mother’s big, black double-ender, and we’d never thought she’d sneak into our room and take it,” said Joe. “We didn’t really want to bring it up to her, because it’s embarrassing. I’d give anything to go back in time now, and tell her not to use such a big one. She wasn’t ready for that yet.”

“I’ve had so many more years of getting torn up, that really, I needed one that big to even feel it,” said Carol, who claims the dildo was around 9 inches or so in circumference. “[Name Redacted] was just a young girl. She shouldn’t have been taking one so big. It was too much, and her heart couldn’t take it.”

Joe and Carol say that they want their story to be a lesson to all parents, and that talking to your children about the dangers of excessively large sexual toys should be mentioned in the initial “birds and the bees” talk.

“Please, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk to your kids,” said Joe. “They need to know that sometimes, a penis – real or fake – is just too damn big.”

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