ROGERS, Kansas –

Maryanne Richards is not new to the world wide web. In fact, she’s had a computer with internet access in her home since December of 1998, when her brother gave her his old Dell for Christmas and signed her up for NetZero, an internet service provider who used to offer free dial-up internet service to its customers.

The thing about Richards, though, is that since 1998 she has been using that same Dell laptop and her same free NetZero dial-up subscription. While everyone else has upgraded to high-speed internet through cable or telephone providers, Ms. Richards says she has no reason to “speed through the web.”

“I’ve never been a woman who needed to get where she was going lightning fast. I am too old now, especially, and too set in my ways to worry about upgrading and fast speed interwebs and the ePads and the smartyphones, and all that nonsense.”

Richards was recently contacted by NetZero, who long ago switched to offering DSL based broadband internet, to let her know she was the last person on their network still using the antiquated dial-up system.

“They contact me every month or so, asking me to get into their new packages. I don’t wanna any of it. This dial-in service is all free, and I don’t mind the ads that pop up all the time. Usually they’re about pills I don’t need because I don’t need a bigger erection,” said Richards.

NetZero representatives say that are actually willing to offer to upgrade Richards to a new, faster service and keep her at the free monthly subscriber rate she’s had for the last 18 years. Plus, as a long-time customer they offered to gift her with a brand new Windows 10 laptop, but even to that Ms. Richards has passed.

“Nope, nope. Just let me be. Between you media people, the NetZero people, and my grandkids, I get enough hounding about my old technology. I don’t want to get anything new. Besides, why would they want to give me Windows number 8 when I’m already using Windows number 95?”