Tag Archives: coke

Faux Report

Coca-Cola Recalls Thousands of Dasani Waters After Clear Parasite Found In Bottles

parasite

From Now 8 News:

If you purchase/drink Dasani water you might want to listen up. There has been a major recall by the Coca-Cola company today after several thousand bottles of their drinking water was found to be contaminated with a parasite. It has sent several hundred people to the hospital and is responsible for parasitic symptoms such as fever, rash, vomiting and stomach bloating.

This comes on the heels of a recent report in which Coca-Cola admitted that Dasani is really just“purified” tap water. The corporation admitted in January that their water brand was just purified tap water dressed in a fancy looking bottle. Like many other bottled waters, Dasani is sold at a premium price, and many people perceive it to be superior to tap water – even though it actually is just tap water.

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

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Faux Report

Coca-Cola To Bring Back Original Recipe Soda Made With Cocaine

coke

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

For years, Coca-Cola has been the only company in the world with government licensing to import the coca plant, the same one used in making cocaine, for use in their products. The company literally “de-cocanizies” the plants, and uses natural extracts of them to create the “natural flavors” of the soda. All that changes, though, next month, when Coca-Cola brings back their original recipe, which no longer takes the cocaine out of the coca plant.

“Back in the day, the original recipe for Coca-Cola called for actual cocaine extract, as it was a medicine and not a drink,” said company CEO Reed Sterling. “We plan to bring back that original recipe, and market it as a beverage. In this day and age, kids are looking for the next hot, new beverage. We believe Original Coca-Cola will be that drink.”

Sterling says that the normal price of the beverage, which is approximately $2 on average for a 2-liter, will, of course, drastically increase.

“Unfortunately, with these awesome changes we’re making, a market increase will naturally have to occur,” said Sterling. “The current average price of $2 will be closer to $30 based on the amount of cocaine we will be using per batch, per bottle, but we really feel that our consumers will enjoy the taste of what we’re calling Coca-Caineola.”

The new beverage is expected to hit shelves next month, in direct competition with PepsiCo’s new Pepsi 1893, which is made with real kola extract and natural sugars.

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