Lose weight, stop smoking and call discipline authorities on unpopular manager — 22%
Misquote more ancient classics — 10%
Help fallen people in street instead of watching them die — 16%
Actually get around to starting that course of chemotherapy — 8%
Liberate Diaoyu Islands — 38%
Punch out dragon dancers making racket in courtyard — 5%
Uphold principles of Marxism–Leninism–Mao Zedong Thought — 1%
Weeping in holding cell of Southeast Asian airport — 12%
Pretending to be married, for our parents’ sake — 30%
Hosting CCTV New Year’s Gala — 10%
Choking on coin hidden in dumpling — 23%
Quietly, with wife, in-laws and undeclared additional children — 19%
Awaiting autopsy results in local hospital’s burn unit — 6%
BEIJING — In a surprise announcement Monday, General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China, President of the People’s Republic of China and Chairman of the Central Military Commission Xi Jinping declared that he would personally oversee production of this year’s CCTV New Year’s Gala.
Citing a “lack of commitment to core socialist values” in recent Galas, Xi, recently appointed head of the Central Leading Group for Internet Security and Informatization, told reporters that by taking the reins he would ensure that CCTV “corrected its wrongheaded course” and “prioritized harmonious entertainment reflective of the Chinese Dream.”
Insider hinted that Xi—who is also Chairman of the National Security Commission, Chairman of Beijing Guoan F.C. and Executive Officer of the Mao Zedong Appreciation Society—would take a “hands-on role in the complete overhaul” of the most-watched entertainment show in the world.
Sources say the multi-talented Xi plans to appear in every one of the four-hour spectacular’s crosstalk skits, musical acts and acrobatic performances, as well as being the entire event’s sole host, breaking with the tradition of having four separate anchors.
Noted Chinese designer Bimbi Huang implied in a recent Weibo post that she had been approached to design several costumes for the gala, including Tibetan peasant garb, a line-dancing auntie sweater-and-yoga pants combo and a Barack Obama costume complete with black face mask.
She was also provided with measurements “matching those of the current CEO of Air China, lead singer of Metallica and Archbishop of Peking [all titles currently held by Xi Jinping].”
Representatives from Mr. Xi’s office denied that taking control of the CCTV Gala was part of Xi’s larger strategy of consolidating power, but said the President was unavailable for further comment as he was in Shanghai being invested as President of Fudan University.
Xi, who last month was declared School Board President for Life in Beijing’s Haidian District, has no known acting experience beyond pretending to be committed to the egalitarian principles of Marxism.
However, some believe his wife, former PLA singer Peng Liyuan, may be offering her husband some last-minute coaching that could see the 61-year-old Grand Master of the Beijing Masonic Lodge, Grand Wizard of the All-China Federation of Magic: The Gathering Planeswalkers and the face of Calvin Klein Asia, turn in a “career-making performance” on February 18.
While information about the Gala remains closely guarded, broadcasters have been notified to “allocate the first hour of the show to a reading of all of President Xi’s formal titles.”
Television critic Kelvin Wu said that although no one quite knows what to expect, critics are agreed on one point: “Whatever Xi ends up doing, it can’t be worse than Celine Dion.”
Last week, Chinese Education Minister Yuan Guiren told colleges to “never let textbooks promoting Western values appear in our classes.”
Miniharm urges him to go further, banning Western influence from college entirely. Here’s how:
