WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump announced today that he and Mexican President Andres Manual Lopez came to an agreement about the border wall “fiasco,” and that Mexico has finally agreed to pay for the Wall, in exchange for the return of Texas to the southern country.

“This is a great deal for us, one of the biggest and best deals in our country’s history, and I can honestly say, it was, in fact, a great deal because I made it,” said President Trump. “I only make good deals, and this deal is by far one of the greatest deals ever made.”

Experts say that the cost of the border wall will be somewhere in the nature of $500 billion, and President Trump says that he is “more than fine” with that trade off in exchange for the state of Texas.

“As a great man once said, only steers and queers come from Texas, and I don’t care about either of those things at all,” said President Trump.  · · · →

MIAMI, Florida – 

A young boy in Florida has being hospitalized after his brand new Apple AirPod earphones allegedly exploded in his ear.

Caleb Mitchell, 8, has been hospitalized with 2nd degree burns on his face and inside of his ears after his Airpods exploded. According to Mitchell’s parents, the young boy is lucky to be alive, but is not out of the woods yet.

“I can’t believe something like this could happen,” said Josiah Mitchell, a standup comedian and the boy’s father. “I didn’t think they could get hot or explode or anything like that. Yet hear we are. Get it? Hear? Because Caleb is pretty much deaf now. Oh shit, I crack myself up.”

Caleb supposedly always had his Airpods in his ear, other than the times where he was charging them. He would even sleep with them, and wear them even when not listening to music. “Airpod owners are obsessed” says Candice James, a therapist, “Airpod owners really think they’re hot shit because their headphones don’t have wires.  · · · →

MIAMI, Florida – 

The Ringling Brothers circus, which is often full of magic, illusion, laughter, and fun, also features daring acts such as the trapeze artists, a favorite of crowds throughout the world.

Ringling Brothers said that through their entire history, this was the first such issue with any of their performers, outside of the animals, shitting on a customer.  · · · →